Fragile Flame

Things have been going pretty well since I’ve finished exams.  I’ve been filling my time with hanging out with people and getting things done both around the house and in preperation for placement in the fall.  I also finally got my learners permit for driving.  I also had my last psychology appointment last week which is a huge step.  I’m still able to go back if I need it but as of now my anxiety is officially at a maageable level!  I still attend group at the hospital once a week as a transition from inpatient treatment.

I do find that I’m struggling more with eating.  It’s not that I’m restricting but I feel like my thoughts surrounding my weight and what/ how much I’m eating have picked up more again.  Eating is becoming more challenging and my mind has wandered to what it would be like to lose weight and be a smaller size.  I’m definitely not about to act on it.  My life finally feels as though it is getting back on track.  I brought my GPA up significantly from the semester I was hospitilized.  I got the promotion I recently applied for at work so things are really falling into place.  I know life in recovery from my eating disorder is much better than what my life was when I was stuck in it.  That doesn’t mean that it isn’t still difficult though.

And you’re supposed to go out.  These are the days when I feel like true recovery is so far away.  Nothing fits anymore and it sucks.  People keep saying it’s an excuse to go shopping like that’s a good thing but that means standing in changerooms and going through even MORE clothes.  It’s hard enough dealing with the stuff in my closet in the safety of my own home.

It’s a new month.  My first full month with absolutely nothing to do in years.  I obviously have thing I can do, but no fulltime job and I’m not a fulltime student.  I can’t remember the last time I’ve had this much free time.  I’m scared that it could lead back into bad habits if I get bored, but it is also an opportunity to prove to myself that I can be ok when I don’t fill up my time with committments.  It’s a chance to really learn how to relax.  To find things I enjoy.

I would like to start blogging more again.  I think it does help me sort out my thoughts, and the support that I get from my followers has definitely helped me in the past.  It continues to help me.  I know I’ve changed a lot since I began this blog.  I’ve been through treatment twice now.  I am proud of how far I have come, especially since my last time in treatment.  I’m determined to continue to do well and I plan on continuing to document my journey here.

My goal is to post at least once a week.

I just feel depressed.  I don’t know how to fill my time until I start work again.  I literally have two months with nothing to do.  I’m not looking forward to the weather chaging because my body has changed so much.  I’m scared to go back to work and have people see I’ve gained weight.  I don’t want to sound negative but everyone keeps talking about going to the beach and I just feel like there’s no way in hell I’m going to get into a bikini.  I have to wear baithing suits at work every day and that just makes me want to cry right now.  I feel alone right now for some reason, I get frustrated easily and I don’t know what’s wrong.  I know this probably makes zero sense whatsoever but I needed to get it out somewhere.

I don’t understand how the mirror can distort my image so much I don’t get how what I see isn’t what other people see.  It makes no sense and it scares me so much.

I feel like this time around my treatment through the hospital has had perfect timing.  It’s almost scary.  I got a bed in the inpatient eating disorder program at my local hospital within two weeks of being admitted for an overdose.  I live in Canada and the wait times for that particular program usually takes months.  I was lucky enough that I got in so quickly, and the timing worked out in a way that I was able to start my winter semester after completing the eight weeks of the program.

Currently I attend a transition group once a week where I am able to meet with the dietician, nurse and doctor and go over my week and how I’m doing in a group therapy setting.  Two days ago I got a call to do  CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) group in the eating disorder program.  The group runs on Fridays which is amazing because I don’t have class that day.  It starts in three weeks, and it will be finished by the time I start working in the summer.

This time in treatment has truly been different for me.  I feel like I have really committed to it this time and have continued to commit after being discharged from the hospital.  I still cannot believe how everything fell into place.  I believe that everything happens for a reason and this whole experience has proved that even further for me.